Fear never goes away

Years ago I asked Stan Toler, a major writer in Nazarene circles, if he still felt fear when he wrote a book. I'm not sure if I wanted a yes (to make me feel better about my own fear) or a no (a hope that eventually it would go away). His answer was yes. He still felt some apprehension when he published a new book. He gave me some other advice and now I wish I had written it down. His advice has merged with so much over the years I can't say which is his and which isn't. This being said I believe the point he did try to make was if what you write matters to you then putting it out for others will bring apprehension. 

 I agree and I also know that putting what you are passionate about out there takes courage if you care about the work and about your relationship with people. 

So where am I going with this and what does it have to do with the picture of the claw holding a crystal? The picture is of a prop I have which comes from a story that I played with years ago. I'm talking over twenty-five years ago. The story has been heard in parts by my friends who have the other two claws and my family. It isn't the first story idea I came up with but it is the first original story I came up with as an adult. It has sat in the background of all my writing for years. My youngest daughter has challenged me to finish writing it and so I have. In my spare time and rewriting all of the early chapters from earlier times it is coming together. Eighty-five percent of the book is complete and now I find myself struggling with fear. 

Fear, in my estimation, shouldn't be a problem. I have already published several books. In a month the eight set Bible Reflections series will be complete. If I, a pastor of a small church without a doctorate, can write a reflection on every chapter in the Bible, some quarter of a million words and publish what some would find very controversial. why am I apprehensive about a fictional book?  

I think there are two reasons. First, the Bible Reflections is meant to spur others into writing not to give a definite answer to every question in the Bible. To say it another way, I expect and maybe even hope that people will disagree with what I write as long as it causes them to grow in their knowledge of the Bible. In other words, I have accepted that some people will not appreciate what I write and I have accepted that. Second, it's done. You aren't afraid of the surgery after the surgery is over. Yes, maybe any complication but the concern, fear, is now behind you. In other words, I can compare it. Third and maybe not finally, this work is very dear to me. It's like letting your daughter go on their first date. You have done all you can to prepare her for the world but now you are no longer in control.    

This blog is being written as a way to keep that date another day away. Yet, it is also here to force me to admit what I am doing by delaying my writing. I might be wrong but if nothing really crazy happens this week I could have The Staff Story (what an underwhelming working title) finished in a week. I write this to hold myself to that date. I will also talk to my writer friends to also keep me accountable. 

I see the enemy, it is fear.

Someone said this and at least for me this story isn't shooting or bombing me.