Forgiving the first real steps.

 After I learned of my grandmother's alleged* murder. I knew I needed to forgive the person, but I did not know-how. I had never before faced such anger in my heart.

So I asked for help.

I prayed to God and asked him to help me, to show me how to forgive. I admitted that I did not want to forgive but knew I was commanded to in scripture.

 I did pray more than once. I needed to because God knew at first I did not want an answer.

Finally, God spoke. Now you have to understand it was not an audible voice but it was God.

Here is what God asked me-- "Do you want him to burn forever in eternity?"

"Yes" was my first thought, but I knew that was not the Christian answer. So I admitted it to God and myself.  "I shouldn't want him to."

That was enough and God gave me the first step.--"Pray that he does not spend eternity in Hell."

So that is what I started to do. I have to admit that I did not pray it with any enthusiasm but eventually it got easier. Finally, I could pray the prayer with some(not a lot) conviction.

I really did not want him to be tormented forever.

Why did this begin to change me?

I started thinking about good for him rather than evil. I did not realize it at the time but now I can say this is the reason my feelings began to change. Dr. Enright a secular expert on forgiveness points out we have to change the way we look at people if we are going to forgive. 

The core reason why my feeling changed though I did not understand then. It was because I was looking at this man differently. I was willing to try to let God change me.

If you do not want to even try then this will never work. 

(but of course, this was not the end of the story)

*I use the word alleged because he was not tried for the crime as the prosecutor picked the strongest cases to prosecute. If in future posts, I leave out the word alleged I ask for pardon because in my heart there wasn't an alleged crime there was a crime.